The Heaviest Weight

Today was tough to say the least. I am physically exhausted from trying to hold it all in. You know, the typical guy thing, be tough hold it all together, be strong. I felt like that was part of the job as pall bearer. For the most part I did. There were a few moments during the funeral that I felt my eyes welling up.

The most touching for me was when the family was viewing the baby. All the friends had left. My mother escorted my grand-mother to the front. Already there were my cousin Tammy (Madison's grand-mother) and Lindsey (Madison's mother). Slowly they all put their arms around the ones on each side of them. I noticed that it was just the four of them, four generations of ladies in a semi-circle, peering down on the fifth generation laying there.

Reality set in on me when we carried the tiny casket from the chapel to the hearse. This small weight, carried by four grown men, was the heaviest I had ever lifted, yet it was so light. As we walked, we had to take short steps because the casket was so small. Otherwise, we would have tripped over each others feet.

The walk from the hearse to the grave seemed like it lasted an hour. The family waiting there for us to deliver their loved one. It seemed very surreal.

As I have said before, there is good in the bad. The good in this was that Annette was able to meet many family members that I myself had not seen in years. Many of these were people who I looked up to as a child and who shaped my life in many ways.

Uncle Olen, who I have written about before, drove up from Texas for the funeral. As soon as he got out of the truck, he came straight over to me. We talked for about twenty minutes. Afterwards he came over and asked that Annette and I join him and some others for lunch. We were joined by my mother and step-father and by my Uncle Cliff and his wife.

Uncle Cliff and Aunt Eunice are two people I have always admired, although I never had the pleasure of spending much time with them. Both are midgets and in their eighties. They never let there height hinder them. In fact, Cliff used it to his advantage. During World War II he got a job with McDonald-Douglass, obviously unable to serve in the military. He got the job because he was small enough to fit into the tight spaces in the airplanes as they were being assembled. Realizing that he had found his niche in life, he stayed there through his entire career.

While they both are the shortest people in the family, in my eyes they are the biggest. Every time I see them, they are smiling at the big world around them and trusting God to take care of their obstacles.

Maybe I should take that lesson to heart more. When I look at this big, ugly world I should think of Cliff and Eunice taking the hand that was dealt to them and turning it to their advantage.

Odd Habits

We all have our quirky and weird habits. I, for one, am no exception. I guess one of my strangest is that I will not let anyone else iron my clothes. This is a hold over from my military days. If the uniform was not right, especially during inspection, it was all on me. If you were called out for it, telling them that your wife ironed it for you was not exactly a good excuse. Plus it gave me the chance to look it over closely for any threads or such.

I will say that Annette has finally convinced me to allow her to do this. As I write this, she is ironing my clothes for tomorrow. I don't know if she will want to do it again. I'll probably point out something and she'll turn the duties back over to me.

The other hold over from my military days is that all my clothing have to be hung facing right. This was only required during basic training, but I still do it. I have done it since basic training. It was several years afterwards that it occurred to me that I still had the habit.

Annette has one that I just noticed the other day. Sunday to be exact. This habit does not bother me. In fact, I became very fond of it once I noticed it. Let me preface it with this: I firmly believe that she is a gift from God to me.

What she does is during the prayers at church she reaches over and holds my hand. I know that this does not sound like much, but it is. Its like God telling me that He is there and reminding me that He has it all taken care of.

Rollercoaster Ride

I hate weeks like the one that I now face. Its going to be such an emotional roller coaster. Madison's funeral will Wednesday. That is the down side. Now the good news...Annette and I are going to finally get married this Sunday (click her name to read about it in her blog).

Yesterday Madison's mother, Lindsey, called me and asked if I would be a pallbearer. To be honest, I was taken aback. I have never done this, but I feel honored to be a part of the service. It will be tough for me, I am already thinking about the time that I was in there shoes. Not to mention that she will be buried at the same cemetery that my own son is at. My father, both grand-fathers one grand-mother and an aunt are all there also. So I think while we are all gathered together, we will all make the rounds so to speak.

Over the last few years I have not been close to this side of my family. This, however has brought us together. In fact, several cousins and close friends of the family have agreed to come to our marriage. this is very exciting for me. They have never been there when I got married.

In fact my mother will be there also. This is big for me as she hasn't been there either. She joked that maybe with her there it would make it stick. We really didn't plan on anything big partly because we were not sure if anyone would really want to be there. I have just been over-whelmed at the people that want to be there for us.

It means so much to me not only to be able to marry the most wonderful lady, but to have my friends and family there to support us and our decision. And yes, if your in the area you are more than welcome to come. Just e-mail one of us and we will give you details.

That, in a nut shell, is the roller coaster. Anyone care to ride with us?

Carrot Cake: The Next Generation

The other day I wrote about going to the farm as a child. After I posted that, I thought back to when my children where younger. I had started working for a relative who lived in Big Lake, TX. It was another Great-Uncle, this one from my mother's side of the family, Uncle Olen.

He owned a large farm and a water well drilling company. We lived in a small house on his property. Every day we went down to their house to visit. In late summer my uncle and I would take my son, Jeffrey to the watermelon patch to pick a few melons. The three of us would bring back our harvest for the rest of the family and sit on the porch to enjoy.

Other evenings I would take my son down to the pond to fish for catfish. Not many people actually fished there so it was easy for him to catch something.

The pond was surrounded by a field that my uncle kept goats in. Part of my job was to feed them every night. Jeffrey always wanted to go with me. If, for some reason, he didn't get to go, he would sulk all night.

Once he stood there in the middle of these hungry animals as I fed them. They all fought for a spot close to the food, ramming each other. One of them got rammed in the side and fell over into my little four year old boy. As I lunged to help him, worried he was hurt, he stood up and walked over to the goat that started this chain of events. Then grabbed it by the horns, twisted and dropped it much like a cowboy dropping a steer.

I could always see that this was a magical time for him. What more could a little boy ask for? He got to go to work with me, not just feeding, but to drill the wells. Oh, the mud he got to play in; thousands of gallons at a time. He had several hundred acres to play in, he had family close, he got to see and ride in all the tractors and equipment.

One of the memories that I took from this time was that as a child my family took time to visit. While there, Uncle Olen was pouring concrete for a sidewalk from his shop to his house. Olen asked that my brother and I put our hand prints in the wet cement. Being kids, we gladly obliged. As an adult, I was helping him repair this same walkway, he made the same request of my kids. There, right next to my imprint, is that of my children's hands.

Now Jeffrey is a teenager and I know these things don't mean much now. Someday though, I hope that some of these experiences will be like his own carrot cake and kool-aid.

A sleepless night...

This morning I woke up around 2:00. I don't know why but, I did and I could not get back to sleep for a while. I finally drifted back into a deep sleep only to awaken again at about five this morning. At this point I gave up on any chance to sleep and started surfing the net.

Then suddenly my phone made a faint beep. It was then that I understood why I woke up at 2a.m. I had a text message informing me that Madison, who I wrote about in earlier blog, had died.

The family had decided to take her off the ventilator and let God handle it. It was removed Thursday morning. What a gut wrenching decision.

My heart is aching for Lindsey and Jake right now. There is no consoling a person in this situation. There is a certain order of things that we are inherently taught. You are born, you grow up, have kids, your parents die and then the process repeats. Parents are not suppose to bury their kids, it should be the other way.

Carrot Cake and Kool-aid

I grew up in the heart of Little Rock but, during the summer I would have the privilege of going to visit my family that lived on a small farm just outside of Monticello. What a wonderful change of pace. Especially for a small boy.

The farm was owned by my Great-Aunt Margaret and Great-Uncle Turkey. I never did figure out why we called him "Turkey", its just what I always knew him as. On each side of their house were the houses of my cousins, Katie, Charlsey and her husband Billy.

They were such a tight knit group, it always amazed me. Aunt Margaret would always cook, there was very little fast food. The entire family sat down for dinner. They always held hands and said a prayer before you touched anything. She always made sure I had my favorites, sunshine flavored Kool-aid and a carrot cake. She would always make a special trip into town to get these for me and the carrot cake always had to be made from scratch.

I was given free roam of the place. Some days I got to walk down to the pond to fish. The old way, with cane poles and bobbers. Other times I got to 'help' Uncle Turkey feed the cows. At least once per trip they would take me to the T-shirt shop in town that was owned by their neighbor that lived across the highway. It was one of those where you get to pick the design and the shirt then they would iron it on for you. I was allowed to get one shirt.

On Sundays it was church, no arguing. Uncle Turkey always sat in the choir without a hymnal. I questioned that once and was told that he had been in church so long that he knew all the songs and therefore didn't need it. I wonder if it had more to do with his bad eyesight.

One summer, Katie took me to my first rodeo. I was about five years old at the time. They even bought me a new pair of cowboy boots. One of Katie's friends was riding that night. I don't even remember him or his name, I just remember meeting a 'real' cowboy. To a five year old boy this was the greatest thing to ever happen.

When I was fifteen my father past away and I went to spend a few weeks with them. During that visit Billy asked me if I knew how to drive a standard transmission. When I told him that dad had started teaching me but never got the chance to finish, I was told that I would learn. They put me out in the middle of the field and told me that I was not to come back to the house until I could drive the truck. The hungrier that I got, the easier it was to shift.

Perhaps the memory that is burned into my head the most is that every night when I went to bed I could hear Charlsey and Billy reading their bible together. I don't know why this had stuck with me but, it has. Maybe its the dedication that was there. Not just with the reading, but to each other. Most of us don't even sit down together anymore, much less pray or read. For that matter just spend time visiting.

At the time I didn't see it but, Aunt Margaret was like my grand-mother. My real grand-mother, her sister, died when I was very young, before I got the chance to know her. Yet, somehow I feel like I did know her, through Aunt Margaret.

Several years ago I was out riding my motorcycle. Just going to be going, no destination. I found myself near their church. The old kind of church with a cemetery next to it. I pull in to see Aunt Margaret and Uncle Turkey's grave. As I stood there, I could not help but smile and think of the last time I saw them alive. I was about twenty, in the Air Force and just home from the middle east. My mother and I went down to visit for the day. At lunchtime I looked on the counter and there sat...carrot cake and kool-aid.

The Main Ingredient of Success

When we look at celebrities, sports stars, well known business leaders and famous musicians we do not see the fights and struggles. Without seeing this, it appears that they just got there. They are an over night sensation. Many times the real story is much different.

I've read that the Beatles were turned down by several record companies. That Harrison Ford was working as a carpenter when he got his first part. Both Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein were told that they were not smart.

None of these people let the opinion of others hold them back. They didn't allow someone else's rules to confine them. Their self-worth and vision of the future came from their soul, not outside influences. They let their failure build them, not tear them down.

I've been thinking about this for several days. I've even had someone bring the subject up with me. They told me that the main ingredient of success is failure. I've come to the conclusion that I now have all the ingredients for success. I will no longer let these failures dictate my self-worth. Since then I have been very much at peace with myself and where I'm at now. I know it won't be an easy path but I'm ready to take it.

Commonsense is Illegal

Lately we have been hearing quite a bit about the drought in Georgia. However, we have not heard much about one of the reasons. I only caught a short mention of it on the radio several weeks ago. Since then nothing. No, its not because of over usage by some faceless company. The state of Georgia is loosing billions of gallons of water to endangered mussels!

Because of the endangered species act, the Army Corp of Engineers is required to release this water daily to flow down stream. They must do this to maintain adequate water levels for the mussels.

Now to be fair they claim the release is also to maintain minimum amounts of water for a coal-fired power plant located in Florida. However, if they shut down the plant, water levels would still have to be maintained due to federal mandates. To read more on the story click here.

My friend/pastor, Richard, works part-time for a fire-alarm company. Yesterday he mentioned those fire call boxes that you see in larger buildings. These boxes are for Firefighters to use during emergencies. They require a special connector that is only available to fire departments (keep this in mind for a second).

These boxes are required to be 48 inches high so that they are accessible to those that are in wheelchairs. Did you catch that? This is due to the "Americans with Disabilities Act". Due to the physical standards to become a firefighter, there are not many that are in wheelchairs.

I'm all for helping those people or species that are less fortunate but, at what cost? And where is the commonsense in all this legislation? It seems like it has got lost in all the legal jargon.

Of pride and shame

I was recently reading the blog "By the Word of Our Testimony." In it Diane was discussing pride and shame. Pride seems to be the root of many of our sins. When we become proud, our focus goes away from God. Have you ever fixed your eyes on something on the side of the road while driving? When you look back to the road, you've drifted to that side. Pride sits on the side of the road waiting for us to drift.

The life of David is a prime example. At times he was swollen with pride. He was the king, others placed him on a pedestal. Sometimes it appears that he enjoyed this position. Then just when it seems like everyone around him should be rolling their eyes, pride vanishes and is replaced with shame and regret. Look at the story of Bathsheba. He saw what he wanted and took it. Then, too proud to admit his mistakes, he tries to fix the problem himself. There is that pride again which of course leads to more sin.

This was not what was in his heart though. Look at his early life. Here was as man, a boy actually, when anointed by God through Samuel. He went from being a Shepard to anointed future king in one day. Yet through this he remained humble to Saul and served him dutifully. Honestly, had it been me, I would have gotten the big head, "Move over Saul, it's my turn." David just waited patiently, learning from his predecessor.

In the end, he always humbled himself to God. Cried out to Him. What amazes me is that he is still considered one of the great men of faith.

In my life, pride has caused me to take many detours. More than I care to admit if the truth be told. Now I sit back and look, if I had just gotten rid of the pride, I would have been at this point long ago.

The Path to Greatness

Lately I've been thinking about how symbiotic our relationship are. The prime example in my life is Chris. She is awesome with design programs. Me other the other hand, I've just learned how to spell 'html'. Yet I'm the one that has the creative aptitude. Individually we can do design and layout, her struggling with how it looks and me trying to figure out how to move something on the page. Together on the other hand, we are able to focus on our strengths and the end result is better than anything we could have done by ourselves.

Now if we were to become jealous or self-centered, we would accomplish even less. All the time that should have been spent on creating would get wasted on arguing. This would only lead to bitterness. Somewhere along the way we would start comparing our skills to that of other, which leads to more jealousy. Pretty soon there would be a total break-down of our relationship.

I've been involved with various committees and organizations through the years. Many times I've seen projects that were not carried out to their full potential or out right fail because of this. Usually someone fails to acknowledge that others are more capable of some aspect and tries to do it themselves.

From what I could tell, there are two reasons for this. First, they refuse to place trust in others because they don't want the whole team to fail. In the end this only leads to disaster. Probably worse than if they had just trusted someone that was sitting on the side offering to help. This type of person usually appears and sometimes actually is very power hungry. In the end, they are the ones saying how great the project was and what a success it was. Meanwhile, those on the sidelines are scratching their heads going 'could this have failed anymore than it did?'

The second type are the ones that want all the glory. In the end, they are pounding their chest and pointing out what THEY did. These people irritate me the most. Not because of the chest pounding but, its the self-centered attitude. There is a failure to realize the team concept. While the entire building is falling around them, they are sitting there smiling, telling you 'I put that nail in and that one and this one and...' As long as their part is good forget the rest.

One of the greatest businessmen of our time, in my opinion, was Sam Walton. What made him great was not his business plan or his fore site. Its was the fact that he never told someone not to bother because he knew what he was doing. It was the fact that he realized what working together can accomplish. Most of the ideas that are credited to him were not his and he acknowledged that. His ideas came from his people. Regardless of what you think of Wal-Mart today, look at him. In just a few years he went from a small town merchant to a global company. All by nurturing symbiotic relationships.

Looking back on my life, I can see where I've done this and where its happened to me. How much energy have I wasted on bitterness and jealousy?

Past Demons

Something happened recently that caused one of my 'demons' from the past to awaken. What has perplexed me has been my response.

Some may not know but, eleven years ago I had a son die. Nicky was only ten weeks old. This was, without a doubt, the most traumatic time of my life. Surpassing the loss of any other loved one. I've spent many years trying to understand how and why God would do that. I heard a sermon once about David loosing his son. The preacher said it was because of David's sin. This only intensified the feelings that I referred to in my last blog.

How does one cope with something like that? The only answer I can give is this: time and prayer. Only God has the answer to the why and how. Sometimes he chooses to reveal them to us, others remain a mystery.

The event that has come up has been the tragedy of my cousin, Madison. She is only one year old. Her mother was bathing her Sunday afternoon. The telephone rang, instead of letting voice mail pick up, she answered it. Why she did this is beyond me. Maybe she was worried about her husband in Iraq. Maybe she just thought that Madison would be OK for a second. Regardless, the worst happened...instead having her birthday party that afternoon they were transporting her to the hospital. Little Madison is now in Children's hospital on life support.

The doctors seem unsure. One day the signs point to possible recovery, the next, they don't know. Right now it is touch and go. Her kidneys shut down yesterday and she had to receive a blood transfusion.

If you had asked me last week how I would handle a situation like this I would have said that I would avoid it out of fear that I would revert to the sleepless nights and sudden emotional breakdowns. But I have faced it head on. No, its not been easy. It has been, by far, easier than I though it would. Today is one of those days that I can look back and see the progress I've made I my journey.

Please do not take what I am about to say the wrong way, just hear me out. God has used this situation to reassure me. I am not saying that He put Madison in this situation for my purpose, He just uses circumstances in ways that we don't always know about. How many times have you struggled through something only to have God restore you? How many people where inspired by you and your reactions? No one can truly give an answer to that. All that I am trying to say is that God can bring good from bad. Did God not use the evil in Judas' heart to fulfill the prophesy that Jesus would be betrayed?

Through this situation I've come to realize that I am ready to talk to others about what happened. Before it was only those that I knew VERY well or that had been through it. Even those times were rare.

On a side note, I struggled for several week on starting this blog. I didn't know what I would say or who, if anyone, would listen. While this is only my second one, I have received several inspiring comments. I want to thank everyone. Chris and I are facing some tough times together right now and hearing the positive feedback has helped me face it with faith.

To one person in particular, Debbie. You are one of the people that I felt like I hurt. Your blog helped me very much, THANK YOU!

Running from the promise...

I was once told that we are the sum of our decisions. These words became burned into my conscience. While the person that told me that meant no harm, just to cause me to examine where I was at that point in my life, it hurt me for many years.

Through misinterpretation I used that as a yard stick for my life. I measured my self worth by this statement. I was only worth the stupid decisions and bad choices that I had made. Many hours where wasted in self regret. I became a prisoner to my past, to my conscience. There were nights that I would fall asleep knowing that I would wake up with-in a few hours, sweating and shaking in fear of what I had become. Sleep would not return, sometimes for days.

In retrospect, the things I did were not the worst that I could have done. I certainly could have gone to jail if not for the faith and understanding of others involved and the grace of God. But the emotional torture that I put myself through, I was in my own personal jail, complete with torture to break my spirit.

I've heard it said that God's forgiveness is the easy part, just ask for it and you shall receive. That forgiveness from others is next easiest and the toughest is your own. There is a lot of wisdom in these words. Sometimes that is the hardest. How does one forgive ones self? How could I've done those things? How could I have betrayed myself, my soul like that? I was not Jeff anymore. I can't even tell you what or who I was. Years of my life were wasted as a zombie acting like all was well.

Slowly over the last year I have come to realize that I had not truly accepted God's forgiveness. If I had just listened to His word...we are free from the past! We are not judged by the law but the promise! Oh, the time wasted judging myself by the law and refusing to look to the promise and hope that is Jesus.

Yes, we are in a sense, the sum of our decisions. Looking back at the long, odd road I've gone on I can see how things have built my character and personality. If not for those choices, I would not be right where I am today. But the final product of our being does not have to be the sum of our mistakes.

So I will no longer run from my past but, to His promise!