Running from the promise...

I was once told that we are the sum of our decisions. These words became burned into my conscience. While the person that told me that meant no harm, just to cause me to examine where I was at that point in my life, it hurt me for many years.

Through misinterpretation I used that as a yard stick for my life. I measured my self worth by this statement. I was only worth the stupid decisions and bad choices that I had made. Many hours where wasted in self regret. I became a prisoner to my past, to my conscience. There were nights that I would fall asleep knowing that I would wake up with-in a few hours, sweating and shaking in fear of what I had become. Sleep would not return, sometimes for days.

In retrospect, the things I did were not the worst that I could have done. I certainly could have gone to jail if not for the faith and understanding of others involved and the grace of God. But the emotional torture that I put myself through, I was in my own personal jail, complete with torture to break my spirit.

I've heard it said that God's forgiveness is the easy part, just ask for it and you shall receive. That forgiveness from others is next easiest and the toughest is your own. There is a lot of wisdom in these words. Sometimes that is the hardest. How does one forgive ones self? How could I've done those things? How could I have betrayed myself, my soul like that? I was not Jeff anymore. I can't even tell you what or who I was. Years of my life were wasted as a zombie acting like all was well.

Slowly over the last year I have come to realize that I had not truly accepted God's forgiveness. If I had just listened to His word...we are free from the past! We are not judged by the law but the promise! Oh, the time wasted judging myself by the law and refusing to look to the promise and hope that is Jesus.

Yes, we are in a sense, the sum of our decisions. Looking back at the long, odd road I've gone on I can see how things have built my character and personality. If not for those choices, I would not be right where I am today. But the final product of our being does not have to be the sum of our mistakes.

So I will no longer run from my past but, to His promise!