Past Demons

Something happened recently that caused one of my 'demons' from the past to awaken. What has perplexed me has been my response.

Some may not know but, eleven years ago I had a son die. Nicky was only ten weeks old. This was, without a doubt, the most traumatic time of my life. Surpassing the loss of any other loved one. I've spent many years trying to understand how and why God would do that. I heard a sermon once about David loosing his son. The preacher said it was because of David's sin. This only intensified the feelings that I referred to in my last blog.

How does one cope with something like that? The only answer I can give is this: time and prayer. Only God has the answer to the why and how. Sometimes he chooses to reveal them to us, others remain a mystery.

The event that has come up has been the tragedy of my cousin, Madison. She is only one year old. Her mother was bathing her Sunday afternoon. The telephone rang, instead of letting voice mail pick up, she answered it. Why she did this is beyond me. Maybe she was worried about her husband in Iraq. Maybe she just thought that Madison would be OK for a second. Regardless, the worst happened...instead having her birthday party that afternoon they were transporting her to the hospital. Little Madison is now in Children's hospital on life support.

The doctors seem unsure. One day the signs point to possible recovery, the next, they don't know. Right now it is touch and go. Her kidneys shut down yesterday and she had to receive a blood transfusion.

If you had asked me last week how I would handle a situation like this I would have said that I would avoid it out of fear that I would revert to the sleepless nights and sudden emotional breakdowns. But I have faced it head on. No, its not been easy. It has been, by far, easier than I though it would. Today is one of those days that I can look back and see the progress I've made I my journey.

Please do not take what I am about to say the wrong way, just hear me out. God has used this situation to reassure me. I am not saying that He put Madison in this situation for my purpose, He just uses circumstances in ways that we don't always know about. How many times have you struggled through something only to have God restore you? How many people where inspired by you and your reactions? No one can truly give an answer to that. All that I am trying to say is that God can bring good from bad. Did God not use the evil in Judas' heart to fulfill the prophesy that Jesus would be betrayed?

Through this situation I've come to realize that I am ready to talk to others about what happened. Before it was only those that I knew VERY well or that had been through it. Even those times were rare.

On a side note, I struggled for several week on starting this blog. I didn't know what I would say or who, if anyone, would listen. While this is only my second one, I have received several inspiring comments. I want to thank everyone. Chris and I are facing some tough times together right now and hearing the positive feedback has helped me face it with faith.

To one person in particular, Debbie. You are one of the people that I felt like I hurt. Your blog helped me very much, THANK YOU!